I was having lunch with a co-worker yesterday and he voiced what I would think is a pretty common belief in karma that pagans, irreligious, and religious share alike.  He related the story of helping out a man on the side of the road who had run out of gas.  My coworker said the man was very grateful and wanted to pay him back, but my coworker refused, saying, “It was only 10 bucks.  I would hope somebody would do that for me, so if you see anybody else in the same situation you can pay me back by helping them.”  He later went on to say that the man saw him years later in town and recognized him, thanking him again for helping out.  My coworker said, “You see, I think everything comes back around, ya’ know?”  Karma, basically.

Today, I was continuing my perusal of a Stanford University professor’s online lectures and his lesson on Behavioral Evolution struck me (click the hyperlink for the exact point in his lecture), because he was describing exactly the story of my coworker in terms of evolutionary behavior.  The idea is straight-forward:  species who are genetically or culturally (yes, other animals have cultures in the strict sense) predisposed to help each other out tend to outlive and outlast other species.  If an organism sacrifices life or energy or resources (and is helped out reciprocally) to help a relative with the same genes, then the likelihood of their genes passing on to the next generation is improved.  If a population of organisms exhibit this behavior, that population has a better chance of surviving and, thus, outlasting those species who do not.  Assuming some form of organisms and animals have been procreating for the last several million years, it is not a stretch to expect to see some of the populations around today exhibit altruistic behaviors — and we do!  Monkeys, elephants, wildebeests, dolphins — there have been many documented studies of cooperation and altruism in the animal kingdom.  Thus, we wouldn’t be surprised that over time this becomes an emergent behavior that extends altruism even to distant relatives (such as the stranger on the side of the road).  We humans sometimes cooperate for no apparent benefit because, way, way back when we lived in much smaller communities, it really did increase the odds of passing along our genes!

The idea of Karma is much easier to understand in this light.  Now, we humans have added this mystical element that somehow everything magically comes back around, tit for tat, and I don’t hold to this; but, I no longer look down on somebody for espousing the idea.  Heck, if some stranger helped me out with a flat tire, I wouldn’t refuse it based on the fact we only shared a couple of our hundreds of genes!

Video posted below:

Robert Sapolsky, Stanford University – Behavioral Evolution

The older I get
Will I get over it?
It’s been way too long for the times we missed
I didn’t know then it would hurt like this but I think
The older I get
Maybe I’ll get over it
It’s been way too long for the times we missed
I can’t believe it still hurts like this.

- Skillet, The Older I Get

Some things happen in life that make little sense.  It is uniquely human to feel relational pain and, thus, uniquely human to hold onto it.  Part of the problem in my life is ignoring the pain and just hoping things to right themselves while I’m not looking.  Or forcefully looking the other way through substances and substitutes.  Thankfully, I’ve come a long way in the last year, but I’m still glad 2010 is gone.

Don’t think I’m only talking about girl/guy relationships, either.  A lot of stuff happened in my life last year, including incredible suffering within my immediate family.  God has graciously spared us the worst prognoses, but He still doesn’t make sense and that’s something I also have a problem with.  So, I just try to forget it and move on.  Deep down, though,  I still know all of these things are nagging the darkest corners of my brain.

I must deal with them at some point, but how?  What do you do beyond acknowledging them?  Do I need to write an exposition on all of my complaints and sufferings — then burn them?  God, sometimes suffering seems so meaningless.

Jehovah-Rapha, come down.

My brother is moving to San Antonio, my parents are moving, my church pastor is stepping down, I’m moving on to new things.  Wow, a lot is going on.  Things move fast.

But I don’t have to.  One thing I don’t want to do is rush into anything on the relationship side of things.  Too often people who are recently single will go with the next thing that comes, before they’ve even come to terms with their past relationship or even know what they’re doing.  (Rebound relationships, anyone?  Those can be messy).  The problem is just that it feels good and the initial process is exciting, but I have to keep telling myself just that–because I’ve already felt the temptation a couple of times.

Well, just one last week of school and then I am done.  Crazy.  I am very blessed and excited for the next chapter of life!

There’s nothing like Easter weekend to remind me that I don’t deserve anything and that God deserves all worship and honor.

If you haven’t heard of Prison Entrepreneurship Program (PEP), it is an amazing organization that pairs up business executives and MBA students with Texas inmates to develop business skills and business plans.  Inmates across the state compete every 6 months to be among the 100 selected to participate in something that seems to be part Pine Cove in the sense of camaraderie (unheard of in the gang-infested prison system), and part MBA program in the sense of academic rigor.  When they graduate they have a working business plan, a network, and the skills to start their own small businesses.  In a state where the prison recidivism rate is over 50%, PEP boasts an incredible 5% rate over the past six years of existence.

This amazing initiative was started by, fittingly, an amazing individual.  Catherine Rohr, former Wall Street financial mogul (as well as a UC-Berkeley grad and Jiu-Jitsu champion), was worth millions and barely into her 30′s.  Catherine was also a recent Christian, and not ashamed of it.  On a spur-of-the-moment weekend trip to a Texas prison with Chuck Colson she realized the prisons were full of entrepreneurs–just on the wrong side of the law; she decided all they needed were business skills (as well as parenting skills) and people who believed in them.  Thus began a long, tough journey that took her from wealth to bankruptcy and took former gang members, murderers, thieves, and drug dealers and turned them into successful businessmen and fathers.

Catherine pushed through the difficulties of the prison system, the finances, and her colleagues’ opinions to create one of the most talked about and successful non-profit endeavors of the first decade.  She was featured in the Wall Street Journal, NY Times, Christianity Today–all of the leading news and business publications.  She was the spirit of PEP.  Every inmate, volunteer, and mere acquaintance revered her.  (I mean, she could probably hold her own even with the toughest criminal).  Catherine traveled the country speaking to top-tier MBA programs, speaking at churches, speaking at women’s conferences, recruiting executives, and raising funds.

Then 2009 came.  Divorce papers were filed.  Feelings were hurt, trust was broken. An incredibly strong and beautiful woman became wearied and broken down.  Still, after taking time off, she continued to push through as CEO of PEP and built it to new heights.  The largest graduate class ever.  The most funding ever.  The most freedom within the prison system.  Then December 2009 came.  Catherine Rohr resigned amidst internal reports of an inappropriate relationship with an inmate.

Not much was said about Catherine after that.  At least not much in the media, maybe behind closed doors.  A letter was sent out to the PEP community of supporters and volunteers explaining the situation.  Catherine sent out a long, heart-felt apology soon after.

I was once a volunteer with PEP.  I haven’t volunteered since 2008 year because of other responsibilities, but it was hard for me to imagine ever volunteering again or even reading the PEP’s periodic mailings after hearing the news.  You see, we were betrayed.  We were let down.  I was betrayed, I was let down.  Catherine was such a strong witness for Christ.  She had literally given up everything to help “the least of these.”  Then she brought shame and disgrace to herself and a great organization in a time of weakness.  Wait a second– I was let down?

No, I let myself down.  I was the one who put Ms. Rohr on a pedestal.  Whether I had realized it or not, I was looking to her as a Christ figure.  And we all do that.  We are all looking for a savior.  And it feels so good when we think we’ve finally found one with skin on.  We look to other humans to be something they can never be–perfect.  That, my friends, is the human situation.  People are going to let you down, disappoint you, and even hurt you.  Thankfully, God is the ultimate healer, the Jehovah-Rapha who reminds us that there was one person with skin who was perfect, once and for all.  He was God incarnate.  And he was also a “man of sorrows, acquainted with grief (Isaiah 53).”  He is our Hope (Psalm 46, 1 Timothy 1) and our Deliverance (Psalm 18).  Our Rock (2 Samuel 22), Redeemer (Isaiah 44), and Refuge (Deuteronomy 33).  In Him, no one will be put to shame (Psalm 25).  Christ is Ms. Rohr’s redeemer.  Christ is my redeemer.  So, remember that the next time you find yourself straining your neck, looking up at another tainted image of the invisible God.  Remember that the next time you realize you’re human, too.

“Nobody cries at the end of a movie about a guy who wants a Volvo.” – Donald Miller

My brother got this book called A Million Miles in a Thousand Years from my sister for Christmas, so I stole it and read it in the car on our exciting family trip to see dad’s parents in dusty San Angelo.  Written by Donald Miller (of Blue Lick Jazz fame), it chronicles Miller’s “reawakening” when two movie producers contact him about making a movie about his life.  Miller soon learns his life is too boring for the silver screen–it has to be re-created and edited.  This painful realization kick-starts his efforts to find meaning in life and apply the concepts of a good story on screen to life lived in reality.

On the whole, I thoroughly enjoyed the book.  I appreciate his self-deprecating and honest style of writing, and he poses some profound questions.  Good stories on screen usually follow certain formulas–perhaps life ought to mimic good movies more often?  Are our lives boring because we don’t know how to tell good stories in the first place?  Have we lost the art of the story and so let our lives drip into melancholic, suburban comfort?  And are we afraid of risk?  (Tim/Ben, I’ll try not to discuss the ideas or the book too much).

I think the most important thing to take from the book is that ideas and thoughts MUST lead to action.  A good life is one that is lived.  Daydreaming is reluctance.  It is why I think it can be dangerous to read too many books and talk about ideas too much.  This is my snare.  It is too easy to trick yourself into thinking you have learned to live better or love better.  Reading and discussing are often necessary to learning, self-discovery, and the forming of correct and coherent views, but as we all know–words are merely words unless followed with action.  This is the essence of integrity.  (I suppose everyone has integrity, some just with a system of beliefs other than they proclaim).  Back to what I was saying, people are the sum of their choices/actions.  I can say this or that but it will not be evident what I have truly taken a hold of until I am forced to act.  Books can talk about ideas.  Movies have to display action.  The main character must be developed through action.

Robert McKee, an authority on writing and the art of story, explains:

Beneath the surface of characterization, regardless of appearances, who is this person?  At the heart of his humanity, what will we find?  Is he loving or cruel?  Generous or selfish?  Strong or weak?  Truthful or a liar?  Courageous or cowardly?  The only way to know the truth is to witness him make choices under pressure, to take one action or another in the pursuit of his desire.

…Perhaps this is why we humans undergo trials:  to prove what is really underneath our fantastical views of ourselves.  I suppose change only comes from action, from seeing yourself for who you are, from seeing the consequences of your ideas in reality.  We are characters being developed (or not) in our own stories.  We have lives full of meaning and goals, or we have daydreams and wishes.

This focus on making meaning in life is the part of the book that concerns me the most.  It seems that Miller realized his life was boring, and “oh, horror!,” his life was not something that everyone would be enamored with!  He didn’t have any great stories to impress people with!  While the author does realize the most important story (God’s story) and our role in it, I still get the feeling that the impetus for this book is about making a story that mostly you or I can be proud of, even though he couches it in terms of giving something you and God can talk about when you get to heaven, whatever that’s about.

While this thread in the book is slightly disconcerting, Miller does a good job of pointing out why movies appeal to us and where they let us down–in our world largely molded in terms of wish-fulfillment (think advertising) we hope to reach our story’s climax in this life.  We think we will be complete with a certain job, the right vocation, a nice wardrobe, a particular relationship, a slick car, kids, whatever.  These are climaxes of  a sort.  Movies always provide a climax, a happy or tragic ending.  But our life’s resolution won’t happen until we reach heaven.  We must recognize, as Miller phrases it, that we each are “a tree in a story about a forest.”  A life of humility allows you to be happy because you don’t require the story to go how you want it to, you don’t expect things to fulfill you.  He mentions the country of Denmark here.  If you read it, remember Denmark.

So, movies are examples of great stories, and perhaps how life ought to be.  They are often unrealistic or extraordinary.  Why is that?  Is it because people are afraid of living great stories?  Is it because filmmakers focus on unrealistic events or ideas?  I suppose it’s a mixture.  The Blind Side was a great true story of a family that took in a homeless kid and raised him up to be a first-round NFL draft pick.  The reason that is even a story for the cinema is because it doesn’t happen often.  People on the whole aren’t that selfless.  Then, people aren’t often first-round draft picks, either.  Avatar was a great story because nothing like that ever happens to us (notice I used the passive tense!).  We never have to defend a people group,  risk our lives, and fall into a perfect love at the same time.  Movies depicting love are by-and-large the most egregious offenders of reality.  I watched Sleepless in Seattle with my sister last week, and while I have always enjoyed that movie, it encourages viewing relationships as fated (and only shows the romantic stage of love).  You shouldn’t have to put too much work into a relationship if it was “meant to be!”  As this news article and study so succinctly puts it, romance-related movies often don’t follow reality.  Why is that?

I think it’s because movies satisfy the hope that is in all of us, whether rooted in reality or not, that we can live fantastic lives.  If only we’d get out of our popcorn encrusted recliners.

Another great quote of Kierkegaard’s:

Is it an excellence in your love that it can love only the extraordinary, the rare? If it were love’s merit to love the extraordinary, then God would be — if I dare say so — perplexed, for to Him the extraordinary does not exist at all. The merit of being able to love only the extraordinary is therefore more like an accusation, not against the extraordinary nor against love, but against the love which can love only the extraordinary. Perfection in the object is not perfection in the love. Erotic love is determined by the object; friendship is determined by the object; only love of one’s neighbor is determined by love. Therefore genuine love is recognizable by this, that its object is without any of the more definite qualifications of difference, which means that this love is recognizable only by love.

This jives with my recent understanding of love as “agape” love which bestows value on the beloved.  In this it is not the object which contains something to love, necessarily.  Rather, it is the act of loving that opens up a rather unexpected world where the object that may have nothing earthly or worldly to love about it suddenly has put a claim on the lover’s heart.  This is what we are called to cultivate as Christians.  It is not natural, for we naturally seek selfish love, and it can be difficult.  However, the few times where I’ve felt like I can say I have worked towards this kind of love–this kind of love has been vastly different from the lesser forms and so much more fulfilling.

In Oscar Wilde’s only novel, The Picture of Dorian Gray, Dorian is the quintessence of innocence and beauty.  Also of immaturity.  In one section of the story he has fallen in love with an actress at the theater.  He worships her for her beauty and acting abilities.  In a twist of the story, the details of which I will spare in case you end up reading it (Matt), Dorian falls out of love and tells the girl:

“You have killed my love. You used to stir my imagination. Now you don’t even stir my curiosity. You simply produce no effect. I loved you because you were marvelous, because you had genius and intellect, because you realized the dreams of great poets and gave shape and substance to the shadows of art. You have thrown it all away. You are shallow and stupid.”

His affections have suddenly and drastically changed because he had the kind of imperfect love that Kierkegaard lamented.  She still loved him, and did the thing she did (that produced Dorian’s change of affections) for a particular, loving, albeit immature reason; but that did not matter.  For Dorian loved the surfaces (a theme Wilde explores with this character) and subsequently lived on the surfaces.  His use of the word “shallow” is indicative of his immaturity, as he unknowingly judges himself.

(In fact, it is his beauty that lends to his innocence and his immaturity.  Everyone adored him and ignored his shortcomings, no one instructed him.  They still associated with him when they shouldn’t have.  I think it is no coincidence that beauty and naivety are often connected.  Can I make a blanket statement like that?  Dorian was beautiful in a society that valued beauty and youth above all.  Thus, people who valued it most were most attracted to Dorian.  He was surrounded by these types of people and so he developed a personality built around “surfaces.”  It was this void of person, of proper grounding, that allowed him to be influenced so easily.  When the surface is so highly valued that is what gets built up and all else is left to degenerate.)

…………

I don’t know if this is related, but this topic has reminded me of strains of thought I’ve had over the last 6 months or longer.  When I think of someone who is not acting like I would want them to, or has something about them I should like to be different, I have noticed that often I wish them to have some quality or perspective that I have!  Isn’t that pretty sad?  I want to love someone else–who is really just another me!  This has made me think a lot.  I know that isn’t an all too unexpected feeling for anybody but I think it says something about our ability (inability) to love properly.  Practically, we must learn to accept and love others’ differences.  That’s a little bit of what grace is, I suppose.

Though, on one side of the coin that kind of thinking is a bit comical.  Grace is being OK with someone not being me?  How presumptuous!  I am realizing more and more how messed up I am.  I’m sure humanity is not too far behind.

Well, here I am again in that space and time between relationships.  I think I’ve finally learned what it all takes and what’s wrong with our culture’s messages about (and expectations for) marriage.  You see it in all of the movies and magazines today, so I’ll spare you.  Funny thing, though, is that even those seep into our reasoning and feelings and we don’t know it.

I honestly don’t really know what’s happened in the past three to four months, but I suppose it doesn’t matter.  What I do know now is that,

  1. worry cannot lead to anything good,
  2. love must not try to change or control anyone,
  3. continual reassurance is needed,
  4. love doesn’t look for what the other person can or can’t offer me,
  5. love covers a multitude of sins,
  6. God is in control.

Unfortunately relationships seem to work like divorces and you have to learn different things with different people instead of staying committed and building a history of trials and victories.  I guess when love is mostly based on feelings then that’s what happens.  Maybe I’m just being cynical, but Matt Chandler voiced some of the same sentiments recently.  Not that he’s the final voice on anything!  :)

A good article I read about a month ago had this point:

People today think joy in marriage is all about the original choice one makes about whom to marry, rather than how to nurture and build their marriage.

And a lot of people get stuck worrying about the first half of that sentence.  Indecision has somehow become noble in some circles (and takes on subtle, Christian tones at Baylor) as one person has put it.  I’m not saying everyone should stay committed to their first relationship–you have to have similar beliefs, values, and goals.  But there’s something to be said for certain attitudes.  Bring everything to God, seek His will, and make darn sure you’re not being polluted by the world’s expectations.  (Here’s a quick test:  Are you surprised when you hear about arranged marriages lasting 40, 50 years?  What does that say about your expectations and beliefs?)

So, how do you nurture and build a relationship?  My guess is that communication is big.  Yes, the word “communication” in and of itself speaks to a multitude of things.  It covers practically everything you do with another person, so it’s a little presuming to think you can make that perfect.  But the desire to seek clear and better communication has to be there, and not just the desire but actions showing attempts at improvement.  I can’t worry about hurting somebody’s feelings all of the time if it leads me to suppress my thoughts too much.  I also have to learn how to balance my tendency to solve problems with the practice of listening to others’ feelings (and mine).

Number six on the list of things I know has been big.  God works everything for good (for those called, according to His purpose)!  I know I’ll be fine. :)

*******************************************************************************************************

These articles have influenced me in the last month:

Worried About Settling

Stop Test-Driving Your Girlfriend

Faith For The Man He’ll Become

Decisions, Decisions

When To Settle

Psalm 37:8-11

Worring and self-centered fear leads to evil.  It leads to the absence of God.  Worrying is denying God’s control and power.

Fear and love cannot mix.  Actions coming from fear cannot be love.

Additional text:  Matthew 5, 6, and 7

“Our relationship to Him is purely and simply a natural egotism…Because God is love, we turn to him for help but then go our own way. Although we dance before him and clap our hands and blow the horn and with tears in our eyes exclaim, “God is love!” we go on our merry way doing what it is that we want.”
- Søren Keirkegaard

“There is only one proof – that of faith. It is impossible for a person to hold back his conviction and push ahead with reasons.” – Søren Kierkegaard

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