Some Thoughts on Relationships and Marriage

Well, here I am again in that space and time between relationships.  I think I’ve finally learned what it all takes and what’s wrong with our culture’s messages about (and expectations for) marriage.  You see it in all of the movies and magazines today, so I’ll spare you.  Funny thing, though, is that even those seep into our reasoning and feelings and we don’t know it.

I honestly don’t really know what’s happened in the past three to four months, but I suppose it doesn’t matter.  What I do know now is that,

1. worry cannot lead to anything good,
2. love must not try to change or control anyone,
3. continual reassurance is needed,
4. love doesn’t look for what the other person can or can’t offer me,
5. love covers a multitude of sins,
6. God is in control.

Unfortunately relationships seem to work like divorces and you have to learn different things with different people instead of staying committed and building a history of trials and victories.  I guess when decisions are based on feelings then that’s what happens.  Maybe I’m just being cynical, but Matt Chandler voiced some of the same sentiments recently.  Not that he’s the final voice on anything! 

A good article I read about a month ago had this point:

People today think joy in marriage is all about the original choice one makes about whom to marry, rather than how to nurture and build their marriage.

And a lot of people get stuck worrying about the first half of that sentence.  Indecision has somehow become noble in some circles (and takes on subtle, Christian tones at Baylor) as one person has put it.  I’m not saying everyone should stay committed to their first relationship–you have to have similar beliefs, values, and goals.  But there’s something to be said for certain attitudes.  Bring everything to God, seek His will, and make darn sure you’re not being polluted by the world’s expectations.  (Here’s a quick test:  Are you surprised when you hear about arranged marriages lasting 40, 50 years?  What does that say about your expectations and beliefs?)

So, how do you nurture and build a relationship?  My guess is that communication is big.  Yes, the word “communication” in and of itself speaks to a multitude of things.  It covers practically everything you do with another person, so it’s a little presumptive to think you can make that perfect.  But the desire to seek clear and better communication has to be there, and not just the desire but actions showing attempts at improvement.  I can’t worry about hurting somebody’s feelings all of the time if it leads me to suppress my thoughts too much.  I also have to learn how to balance my tendency to solve problems with the practice of listening to others’ feelings (and mine).

Number six on the list of things I know has been big.  God works everything for good (for those called, according to His purpose)!  I know I’ll be fine.

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Some of these have silly parts to them and run along similar lines of thinking, but these articles have influenced me in the last month:

Stop Test-Driving Your Girlfriend

Faith For The Man He’ll Become

Decisions, Decisions

When To Settle

 

Do Not Act Out of Fear, But Love

Psalm 37:8-11

Worring and self-centered fear leads to evil.  It leads to the absence of God.  Worrying is denying God’s control and power.

Fear and love cannot mix.  Actions coming from fear cannot be love.

Additional text:  Matthew 5, 6, and 7

 

Some Old Kierkegaard Quotes I’ve Liked

“Our relationship to Him is purely and simply a natural egotism…Because God is love, we turn to him for help but then go our own way. Although we dance before him and clap our hands and blow the horn and with tears in our eyes exclaim, “God is love!” we go on our merry way doing what it is that we want.”
- Søren Keirkegaard

“There is only one proof – that of faith. It is impossible for a person to hold back his conviction and push ahead with reasons.” – Søren Kierkegaard

 

Indecision Becomes Decision With Time

I went 130 MPH today.  It was exhilarating…freeing…just driving in the country hills of central Texas.

There’s an ache in my stomach.  Or maybe my heart.  I don’t know where it comes from.  Maybe it was the hamburger from earlier.  Yeah…

I just need to get something out.  I don’t know what it is I need to get out or how, for that matter.  I just need to write and type to a deaf computer screen with music playing back to me.

Music keeps me sane, I think.  It also keeps me stuck in place sometimes.  Time to change that again.

I wish I could just draw and make music this week.

I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.  ~Mark Twain

 

I smile every time!

 

Skillet

If you haven’t used Grooveshark.com and there is a lot of music you want but don’t have, you should check it out.  You can easily listen to nearly any song you can think of with no interruptions.  I use it a lot for albums I don’t have.

Anyway, I’m on it right now to Skillet’s Comatose album.  Sometimes music just hits exactly what you’re feeling, ya know?  It feels like it so much that I had to get on here just to write about it.  That’s all.

 

God, Religion, and why those two things can be opposed to each other

Textual Inspiration:  John 9-10, Isaiah 1

—

Perhaps the most dangerous place spiritually is when you think you’re OK. And once you get unseated from your high place you realize it’s not about striving for a state of perfection, for that mindset is likely rooted in, and dependent on, self; but it is in humbling yourself daily and recognizing who is actually in control where you can reorder your thoughts and motives, and break your idols.

—

The religious leaders of Israel, those who the people looked up to for guidance, were content with their religious rituals (John 9).  Are we?  They were content with their understanding and theology.  Are we, too?  They were content with their power.  They had no room for a person to follow in their religion, even if he is God.  Especially if he challenged their notion of God and his kingdom.

Religion, I think, should be how we interact with the world, not what we put our hope in to save us.  Take care of the widows and orphans.  Seek justice.  These actions for our brothers and sisters should be our religion.  Our relationship with the Father should not be measured by these, I do not believe, nor should we take comfort in ourselves when we seem to be consistently reading our Bible, praying, and involved in Church.  I think these three things have potential to be our “meaningless offerings.”  In the first chapter of Isaiah, God is shown to have a very strong distaste for a people who cannot serve those around them with fairness or compassion.  He detests their prayers and offerings for they are empty to Him, holy and righteous as He is.

Here is a question:  is it fruitful to gauge one’s spiritual health?  Or is that in and of itself an attempt to justify one’s own actions and own goodness?

I just hope that we Christians, though we know the Messiah, do not allow our rituals to supplant the almighty God in our lives.  I hope that we always recognize God as in control – of our spiritual lives and our every good deed (Ephesians 2:10).

 

Marathon Man – Grandma’s Marathon, Duluth, Minnesota

This past weekend I ran my first marathon.  Wow.  My quads are still shot and it takes me three times as long to stand up or put on clothing.  I think it was worth it.

I ran the race in scenic Duluth, MN, which is right across the river from my birthplace of Superior, WI.  The weather was the hottest it has been all year there (70s and 80s) and we were expecting 50s and 60s.  Oh well, at least we trained in Texas!  About 580 runners were medically treated at the finish line for hyponatremia (low sodium) and/or hyperthermia (heat stroke).  Most of these people were heat-weak Minnesotans.  Approximately 6,400 people started the race and about 5,900 finished.  I placed 1,818 with a finish time of 4:13.  I still can’t believe I ran for four hours and 26.2 miles!

It was amazing though.  You and 6,000 other people, the forest on your right, the giant lake on your left, the spectators cheering you on every other mile.  But it was still me against me.  I wasn’t too concerned about competing with the other runners.  Especially in the last four miles where I hit the “wall” and my quads cramped.  At that point it all became about persevering, no worries about how the other runners were doing.  I’ve never felt more pain in those last two miles–but somehow it was worth it!  It was truly an experience to be on mile 24 coming into downtown Duluth in excruciating pain to then see thousands of people lining the street cheering you and everyone on!  And the finish, oh the finish–I came around the corner with 0.1 miles to go, the street lined with hundreds of people in stands.  I could see the finish line with its arch of red and white balloons and I knew somewhere in that crowd was my mom and my girl.  I was in tremendous pain but I knew I had made it and I sure wanted them to be proud, so I pushed ahead like 26.2 miles had never been easier.  The feeling I had when I crossed that line and I saw my girl, Karlie, the girl who trained with me for 4 months but couldn’t run because of a knee injury, the girl who was ecstatic to see me finish, the beautiful girl who was jumping up and down smiling so proudly and screaming my name…that just made everything worth it!  It made everything worth it.

I now have a clearer picture of what it means to run the race, the other race, Christ’s call.  It fits all too well.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. ²Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. ³Consider him who endured such opposition from sinful men, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart!

Hebrews 12:1-3

 

April 2009

Hey everyone!  It’s been a while, but here’s a quick update…

• Finish MBA classes in three weeks (then it’s on to one more year of engineering)
• Present to AT&T executives in two weeks
• Figure I can graduate by next May
• Will be doing research for the coconut guru Dr. Bradley this summer
• Have been dating the most incredible girl for the past 8 months
• Plans are to be in Houston after I graduate
• I take the state board of engineering exam in a week and a half
• I am very busy

I am about to go get a free massage in Karlie’s stress managment class though, so that’s not too bad!

 

Summary Thus Far?

One of my favorite C.S. Lewis quotes:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”

I post this here because I’ve been vulnerable lately.  I’m just talking about feelings here, but it can be a little unnerving!  It’s scary to put your heart out there.  Especially for me, because I try to watch every word that comes out of my mouth.  To me, there is a lot within even our daily speech.  It has power.  I also just post it for the benefit of those who visit my blog.  It’s always been good to think about the truth in this statement, regardless of how many times I’ve read it.  Familiarity doesn’t take anything away.  But hopefully if you haven’t read this before, the newness of it will strike you.  C.S. Lewis does a great job of leading us to his conclusion with specific, vivid wording.

Other than the excitement of a relationship and the vulnerability it brings, I’ve just been trucking along in the MBA program.  I won’t bore you with the details of schoolwork, but it’s been an interesting semester.  I’ve enjoyed the experience of being around business students (and internationals).  They tend to think differently, and more rationally if they are MBA candidates.  I’m also becoming a better presenter and just a better communicator.  Not drastically I don’t think, but I do notice a difference, and that’s rewarding.

While I haven’t been the most disciplined in weightlifting (though still 2 or 3 times a week), I’ve become way more of a runner lately.  I ran 25 miles in about 4 runs last week.  Hopefully I can do a full marathon sometime next year?  We’ll see, my dad challenged me.  If I get up to that distance, he’ll pay for any trip in the U.S. to go run it.

I guess you don’t know all the details that makes it so, but I really do think this semester and summer has been the most exciting and rewarding time of my life, just so you know.  I wouldn’t trade it for anything.  Though junior year at the D-Z is a close second…