Well, here I am again in that space and time between relationships.  I think I’ve finally learned what it all takes and what’s wrong with our culture’s messages about (and expectations for) marriage.  You see it in all of the movies and magazines today, so I’ll spare you.  Funny thing, though, is that even those seep into our reasoning and feelings and we don’t know it.

I honestly don’t really know what’s happened in the past three to four months, but I suppose it doesn’t matter.  What I do know now is that,

  1. worry cannot lead to anything good,
  2. love must not try to change or control anyone,
  3. continual reassurance is needed,
  4. love doesn’t look for what the other person can or can’t offer me,
  5. love covers a multitude of sins,
  6. God is in control.

Unfortunately relationships seem to work like divorces and you have to learn different things with different people instead of staying committed and building a history of trials and victories.  I guess when love is mostly based on feelings then that’s what happens.  Maybe I’m just being cynical, but Matt Chandler voiced some of the same sentiments recently.  Not that he’s the final voice on anything!  :)

A good article I read about a month ago had this point:

People today think joy in marriage is all about the original choice one makes about whom to marry, rather than how to nurture and build their marriage.

And a lot of people get stuck worrying about the first half of that sentence.  Indecision has somehow become noble in some circles (and takes on subtle, Christian tones at Baylor) as one person has put it.  I’m not saying everyone should stay committed to their first relationship–you have to have similar beliefs, values, and goals.  But there’s something to be said for certain attitudes.  Bring everything to God, seek His will, and make darn sure you’re not being polluted by the world’s expectations.  (Here’s a quick test:  Are you surprised when you hear about arranged marriages lasting 40, 50 years?  What does that say about your expectations and beliefs?)

So, how do you nurture and build a relationship?  My guess is that communication is big.  Yes, the word “communication” in and of itself speaks to a multitude of things.  It covers practically everything you do with another person, so it’s a little presuming to think you can make that perfect.  But the desire to seek clear and better communication has to be there, and not just the desire but actions showing attempts at improvement.  I can’t worry about hurting somebody’s feelings all of the time if it leads me to suppress my thoughts too much.  I also have to learn how to balance my tendency to solve problems with the practice of listening to others’ feelings (and mine).

Number six on the list of things I know has been big.  God works everything for good (for those called, according to His purpose)!  I know I’ll be fine. :)

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These articles have influenced me in the last month:

Worried About Settling

Stop Test-Driving Your Girlfriend

Faith For The Man He’ll Become

Decisions, Decisions

When To Settle

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